Saturday, May 26, 2012
Fresh Air: Yesterday's Actions. Today's Choices
Fresh Air: Yesterday's Actions. Today's Choices: Yesterday I got sunburned, worse than I've been in a long while. I bought some burn cream at a store called "Dollar Dollar" (yes, the cream ...
Yesterday's Actions. Today's Choices
Yesterday I got sunburned, worse than I've been in a long while. I bought some burn cream at a store called "Dollar Dollar" (yes, the cream cost a dollar; most things in the store cost more). I gave the cashier $1.10 for the cream and the penny I got in return went into my wallet... and that's the last time I remember seeing my wallet.
Today, when I went to put a card in it, I realized it was not in my purse. I called the financial institutions I'm connected with, put holds on my accounts, got new ones sent in some cases, and then set out to retrace my steps. No luck at the coffee shop where I studied, the store where I bought the cream, the parking spots I'd occupied, the security offices in the shopping center area, my car when I turned it inside out, et cetera. You get the picture; with each action that I took, more confirmation seemed to occur that the wallet was not be found.
I admit to you; if it's not found, it will be a very hard thing for me. My checkbooks were in there, unused gift cards (for coffee and Outback), personal notes and details, my drivers license, personal pictures that can't be easily replaced (if at all), and a lot of details about my identity, etc. In today's world, fear can be insidious about all the nefarious things that unscrupulous people can do if they use my info.
That is... if I choose fear.
Truthfully, fear has been too often my companion these last years as I've struggled (yes, that's the correct word) through seminary. I've had to learn whole new levels of courage, as my financial reality has always shadowed what was already a challenging path for me to take, for reasons I may write about in another blog -- but for now, just know this path has rocked my world in ways that rarely felt delightful.
Yet, God has always been faithful. He has been gracious in how He's given me favor and provision. So many of His children have blessed me in how they reflected His love and support toward me. I am grateful.
So, today, I find myself in a tired and headachey state, my heart is heavy and eyes watery for yet another loss/challenge at a crucial time in my academic and personal life. (I have three classes to complete in 3 weeks; one which feels like a near-impossibility... and it has a 20-25 page assignment due Monday... so losing my wallet - or it being stolen - this weekend is, yeah, about the worse-case scenario. And believe me when I say, there are things in my personal world that are exponentially more challenging/hurtful then my academic crud.)
But then I remember the song: "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; blessed me the name of the Lord." I don't think the Lord took my wallet, y'all, but it didn't surprise Him when it went missing; He knew before I did. So, when I remember the song lyrics (based on scripture in Job 1), I have to ask myself - this woman who's preparing to be an ordained pastor - "Will you practice what you preach, Wallyce, or will you let the dark take over the light?"
It ain't easy to choose faith instead of fear; seek peace instead of angst; rest instead of frenetic emotional substitutes. It ain't easy, but it's do-able... with God's strength. See, I'm not sure I have any of my own strength left, so I'm going to literally have to put my money - and everything else of "mine" - where my mouth is... and trust God to get me through all that is in front of me. Otherwise, I'd be angrily and mournfully throwing in the proverbial towel and becoming a cynical, jaded funk of a female.
So, I choose faith.
And I sing children's praise songs when my mind starts getting overwhelmed with worry.
And I remember that yesterday wasn't just about getting sunburned and losing one of most valuable material things I have. Yesterday was also the day when I realized what a privilege it was going to be to be a pastor in whatever capacity God allows. I had such a sense (that I actually haven't had so much before) that there was joy in the sacredness of what He has called me to, in both ministry and media.
And I remembered that I had gone to the coffee shop/Dollar Dollar store in a part of LA that I rarely frequent to meet up with a new friend, who is about to graduate from USC. I met her through other challenging circumstances, that the world might call "coincidental," but I don't. When she opened up the Bible that I'd given her for graduation, she said something I, personally, had never heard so clearly from someone I care about: "This is the first time I've ever opened a Bible."
Ah, what a sweet gift God gave me to be able to share His Love Letter to us all with someone who'd not yet read it, and was so pleased to have her own copy.
So when I choose faith today, it's not the easiest choice for me... in the face of the fear of finances, academics, health and family issues, etc. But the God Who's always been faithful isn't going to stop being who He is just because I currently have a bunch of crud in my life. I believe Hebrews 13 when it says, "Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever." So, because Jesus also says He'll give me peace that passes all understanding, I'm gonna tell fear to kiss off, because I'm saving all my lovin' for the God Who will get me through...
...and Who will give me the strength to remember the best bits of yesterday's actions, even as I deal with all the difficulties that that the day before today brought.
It's a conscious choice to remember what the Lord gave me vs. what was taken away - but it's a choice worth making, and making and making again... as I breathe in and breathe out... fresh air.
Today, when I went to put a card in it, I realized it was not in my purse. I called the financial institutions I'm connected with, put holds on my accounts, got new ones sent in some cases, and then set out to retrace my steps. No luck at the coffee shop where I studied, the store where I bought the cream, the parking spots I'd occupied, the security offices in the shopping center area, my car when I turned it inside out, et cetera. You get the picture; with each action that I took, more confirmation seemed to occur that the wallet was not be found.
I admit to you; if it's not found, it will be a very hard thing for me. My checkbooks were in there, unused gift cards (for coffee and Outback), personal notes and details, my drivers license, personal pictures that can't be easily replaced (if at all), and a lot of details about my identity, etc. In today's world, fear can be insidious about all the nefarious things that unscrupulous people can do if they use my info.
That is... if I choose fear.
Truthfully, fear has been too often my companion these last years as I've struggled (yes, that's the correct word) through seminary. I've had to learn whole new levels of courage, as my financial reality has always shadowed what was already a challenging path for me to take, for reasons I may write about in another blog -- but for now, just know this path has rocked my world in ways that rarely felt delightful.
Yet, God has always been faithful. He has been gracious in how He's given me favor and provision. So many of His children have blessed me in how they reflected His love and support toward me. I am grateful.
So, today, I find myself in a tired and headachey state, my heart is heavy and eyes watery for yet another loss/challenge at a crucial time in my academic and personal life. (I have three classes to complete in 3 weeks; one which feels like a near-impossibility... and it has a 20-25 page assignment due Monday... so losing my wallet - or it being stolen - this weekend is, yeah, about the worse-case scenario. And believe me when I say, there are things in my personal world that are exponentially more challenging/hurtful then my academic crud.)
But then I remember the song: "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; blessed me the name of the Lord." I don't think the Lord took my wallet, y'all, but it didn't surprise Him when it went missing; He knew before I did. So, when I remember the song lyrics (based on scripture in Job 1), I have to ask myself - this woman who's preparing to be an ordained pastor - "Will you practice what you preach, Wallyce, or will you let the dark take over the light?"
It ain't easy to choose faith instead of fear; seek peace instead of angst; rest instead of frenetic emotional substitutes. It ain't easy, but it's do-able... with God's strength. See, I'm not sure I have any of my own strength left, so I'm going to literally have to put my money - and everything else of "mine" - where my mouth is... and trust God to get me through all that is in front of me. Otherwise, I'd be angrily and mournfully throwing in the proverbial towel and becoming a cynical, jaded funk of a female.
So, I choose faith.
And I sing children's praise songs when my mind starts getting overwhelmed with worry.
And I remember that yesterday wasn't just about getting sunburned and losing one of most valuable material things I have. Yesterday was also the day when I realized what a privilege it was going to be to be a pastor in whatever capacity God allows. I had such a sense (that I actually haven't had so much before) that there was joy in the sacredness of what He has called me to, in both ministry and media.
And I remembered that I had gone to the coffee shop/Dollar Dollar store in a part of LA that I rarely frequent to meet up with a new friend, who is about to graduate from USC. I met her through other challenging circumstances, that the world might call "coincidental," but I don't. When she opened up the Bible that I'd given her for graduation, she said something I, personally, had never heard so clearly from someone I care about: "This is the first time I've ever opened a Bible."
Ah, what a sweet gift God gave me to be able to share His Love Letter to us all with someone who'd not yet read it, and was so pleased to have her own copy.
So when I choose faith today, it's not the easiest choice for me... in the face of the fear of finances, academics, health and family issues, etc. But the God Who's always been faithful isn't going to stop being who He is just because I currently have a bunch of crud in my life. I believe Hebrews 13 when it says, "Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever." So, because Jesus also says He'll give me peace that passes all understanding, I'm gonna tell fear to kiss off, because I'm saving all my lovin' for the God Who will get me through...
...and Who will give me the strength to remember the best bits of yesterday's actions, even as I deal with all the difficulties that that the day before today brought.
It's a conscious choice to remember what the Lord gave me vs. what was taken away - but it's a choice worth making, and making and making again... as I breathe in and breathe out... fresh air.
Friday, January 20, 2012
This blog called Life
Jan. 20, 2012
the night called for chocolate. i anwered the call at Aroma Cafe in studio city. intermingling textbook reading with blogwriting with brainstorming with missing my sweet friend Nina Ferguson... for whom I dashed into Aroma in September 2011 to bring a piece of cake with me from California to Virginia. Mourning is the process of grieving, my textbooks say. Tonight, mourning tastes like chocolate with a side serving of tears burning in the back of my eyes...
This was my Facebook status just a bit ago. It’s Friday night. I’m 40. Life is full of blessings: God. Family. Friends. Grad School. Health. Silver Sparkly Boots. And More. Currently, I’m sipping on ice water and savoring a wedge of decadent dark chocolate and peanut butter cake at my favorite local cafe.
Mixed in with the blessings and the grieving my friend’s passing process, I find myself vacillating between the acknowledgement of my blessings and the awareness of my burdens. There is a burden in my heart for knowing God’s will for my life beyond seminary. There’s a blessing in knowing He has always provided and He always will. There’s a burden in my emotional center for the soul mate I’ve not met. There’s a blessing in my spirit from knowing I could never be the woman I am and am becoming if I’d met him before this point in my life. This list of blessing/burden contrast could continue, but just now, I’ll let it lie quietly in the space I’ve given it in my heart.
... and I’ll wrap up the remains of my dessert gift to myself, refill my water cup, collect my computer bits and bobs and head home. And as I wrestle the covers tonight, mixing mind meanderings with sleep’s serenade, I’ll rest in the arms of the Lover of my Soul...
the night called for chocolate. i anwered the call at Aroma Cafe in studio city. intermingling textbook reading with blogwriting with brainstorming with missing my sweet friend Nina Ferguson... for whom I dashed into Aroma in September 2011 to bring a piece of cake with me from California to Virginia. Mourning is the process of grieving, my textbooks say. Tonight, mourning tastes like chocolate with a side serving of tears burning in the back of my eyes...
This was my Facebook status just a bit ago. It’s Friday night. I’m 40. Life is full of blessings: God. Family. Friends. Grad School. Health. Silver Sparkly Boots. And More. Currently, I’m sipping on ice water and savoring a wedge of decadent dark chocolate and peanut butter cake at my favorite local cafe.
Mixed in with the blessings and the grieving my friend’s passing process, I find myself vacillating between the acknowledgement of my blessings and the awareness of my burdens. There is a burden in my heart for knowing God’s will for my life beyond seminary. There’s a blessing in knowing He has always provided and He always will. There’s a burden in my emotional center for the soul mate I’ve not met. There’s a blessing in my spirit from knowing I could never be the woman I am and am becoming if I’d met him before this point in my life. This list of blessing/burden contrast could continue, but just now, I’ll let it lie quietly in the space I’ve given it in my heart.
... and I’ll wrap up the remains of my dessert gift to myself, refill my water cup, collect my computer bits and bobs and head home. And as I wrestle the covers tonight, mixing mind meanderings with sleep’s serenade, I’ll rest in the arms of the Lover of my Soul...
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
